Independence? What are your thoughts?
I was reading in article in a magazine how parents are now helping their children right their resumes, checking their "Linkedin"'s and sometimes even accompanying them to an interview. As I read this I just about dropped the magazine in the commode. Really? Resumes? Interviews? Huh??
When did our culture become that which enables our children to the point where our children cannot do anything on their own? At what point did we forget about teaching independence in lieu of getting the best grades (ie. parents doing the work instead of students).?
I was raised, albeit crazy in some of your minds, to be fiercely independent. Fiercely. I remember up until the point of going to Kindergarten in which my mom would say "to your bedroom, time to play by yourself, see you in 2 hours." And that I did. I had the BEST imagination and I played school or house or you name it with all my stuffed animals. I also had parents that NEVER did anything for me that I couldn't do myself if I tried. They were not mean, or evil (well, maybe at the time I thought so), but they stood back, watched me try and possibly fail and then try and try again. They RARELY interfered in my life. Rarely. At age of 16, I went to Europe with my high school choir. As we left, my parents gave me a hug and said, do not call us. If you call, we assume something bad has happened, if we don't hear from you, then no news is good news. I never called. I never got homesick. I enjoyed every moment! At the ripe old age of 18 when I went off to college my mother gave me a swift kick in the butt (not really) and sent me on my way. I kid you not, many parents unloaded their college-aged kids stuff in their rooms, helped them set up, went out for dinner, and the tears fell, right? etc, etc....My parents LITERALLY dropped my stuff on the sidewalk, gave me a hug, and left. That quickly. All of the RA's and other "helpers" moved my boxes into my room from the sidewalk. Looking back, I learned this: I had to figure out a way REAL quick to make friends AND I had no time to cry. I had to get me stuff moved. And that I did. "Hey, could you help me carry this box up to my room, yeah, I'm on the 4th floor, yeah, there are no elevators...hey, where are you from? Where can I get food around here?" And I am on my own.....
Here is where my dilemma lies. I want to be the mother my mom was to me, to love me unconditionally and give me the independence that I (at this point in my life) am so thankful for! But, society teaches us something else (oh, "you are ignoring your kid" or "what? you are not playing with your child 24/7, then you are a bad parent").
But, I am going to prevail and ultimately make these vows to myself and to Charlie:
-I will love you unconditionally, forever.
-I realize you are on loan to me until you are 18, then I am going to let you go.
-I am going to be patient with you when I am teaching you something, so that you fully know how to do it by yourself. (yes, that may mean taking 15 minutes for you to figure out how to take your shoes off!)
-I am going to let you make mistakes, and not bail you out.
-I am NOT going to write your resumes, papers, do your homework, or go to your interviews.
-I am not going to call you everyday when you are an adult, if you would check in once every 3 weeks, that would be lovely.
-I am hoping to give you the skills and strengths to be an independent young man that respects and loves and DOES NOT judge.
-I am going to go to your sporting events, music events, etc., but I am NOT going to yell at the ref's or the teachers or the coaches for you not getting the big "part" or the starting "position."
-There are certain things that are not up for negotiation, ever: college (you will go), driver's license (you will get one!), curfew (you will have one!), dating (not until HS), drugs/alcohol (you will not use, unless under the guidance of your parents (alcohol)), respect (you will always treat your elders and other with this...).
-I am going to teach you to be independent so that when you are an adult, you can live this really awesome life and enjoy all the good choices you will make (and then I want you to move somewhere really cool so that I can come and visit a cool place!).
When did our culture become that which enables our children to the point where our children cannot do anything on their own? At what point did we forget about teaching independence in lieu of getting the best grades (ie. parents doing the work instead of students).?
I was raised, albeit crazy in some of your minds, to be fiercely independent. Fiercely. I remember up until the point of going to Kindergarten in which my mom would say "to your bedroom, time to play by yourself, see you in 2 hours." And that I did. I had the BEST imagination and I played school or house or you name it with all my stuffed animals. I also had parents that NEVER did anything for me that I couldn't do myself if I tried. They were not mean, or evil (well, maybe at the time I thought so), but they stood back, watched me try and possibly fail and then try and try again. They RARELY interfered in my life. Rarely. At age of 16, I went to Europe with my high school choir. As we left, my parents gave me a hug and said, do not call us. If you call, we assume something bad has happened, if we don't hear from you, then no news is good news. I never called. I never got homesick. I enjoyed every moment! At the ripe old age of 18 when I went off to college my mother gave me a swift kick in the butt (not really) and sent me on my way. I kid you not, many parents unloaded their college-aged kids stuff in their rooms, helped them set up, went out for dinner, and the tears fell, right? etc, etc....My parents LITERALLY dropped my stuff on the sidewalk, gave me a hug, and left. That quickly. All of the RA's and other "helpers" moved my boxes into my room from the sidewalk. Looking back, I learned this: I had to figure out a way REAL quick to make friends AND I had no time to cry. I had to get me stuff moved. And that I did. "Hey, could you help me carry this box up to my room, yeah, I'm on the 4th floor, yeah, there are no elevators...hey, where are you from? Where can I get food around here?" And I am on my own.....
Here is where my dilemma lies. I want to be the mother my mom was to me, to love me unconditionally and give me the independence that I (at this point in my life) am so thankful for! But, society teaches us something else (oh, "you are ignoring your kid" or "what? you are not playing with your child 24/7, then you are a bad parent").
But, I am going to prevail and ultimately make these vows to myself and to Charlie:
-I will love you unconditionally, forever.
-I realize you are on loan to me until you are 18, then I am going to let you go.
-I am going to be patient with you when I am teaching you something, so that you fully know how to do it by yourself. (yes, that may mean taking 15 minutes for you to figure out how to take your shoes off!)
-I am going to let you make mistakes, and not bail you out.
-I am NOT going to write your resumes, papers, do your homework, or go to your interviews.
-I am not going to call you everyday when you are an adult, if you would check in once every 3 weeks, that would be lovely.
-I am hoping to give you the skills and strengths to be an independent young man that respects and loves and DOES NOT judge.
-I am going to go to your sporting events, music events, etc., but I am NOT going to yell at the ref's or the teachers or the coaches for you not getting the big "part" or the starting "position."
-There are certain things that are not up for negotiation, ever: college (you will go), driver's license (you will get one!), curfew (you will have one!), dating (not until HS), drugs/alcohol (you will not use, unless under the guidance of your parents (alcohol)), respect (you will always treat your elders and other with this...).
-I am going to teach you to be independent so that when you are an adult, you can live this really awesome life and enjoy all the good choices you will make (and then I want you to move somewhere really cool so that I can come and visit a cool place!).
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